Members' Marital Status

[762gunner]

    Ladies and Gentlemen:

    I hope this may be an interesting poll.  This came out of a conversation I had with a senior member on my bus during a trip.  We discussed the challenges and difficulty facing military members of either gender in maintaining a relationship in the military or with a military member (how many divorced people do YOU know?).
    He strongly believed that there was a high percentage (over 40% ! ) of members that were divorced, and that this was the highest percentage of all other marital status'.
    This person also believed that there are only three types of spouses for ANY military member for a successful relationship:

    1.    Another military member;

    2.    a Base rat (someone not in the military but that grew up in a military family); and

    3.    a RARE (his words) individual with the strength of character to enter a military relationship relatively cold and through the available resources and their partner, is able to cope and not let the relationship fail.

    I have been curious since he mentioned it, and certainly welcome any discussion.

    As a disclaimer, I don't represent anybody, I'm not doing this for any social course, I haven't discussed this poll with anyone else before posting it, and in case it comes up, I apologize for any perceived insult, offence or similarity to any persons, whether living or deceased...

    Oh wait, that's from the movies...

    Cheers! 

 

[geo]

My wife likes the look of a man (me ) in uniform.....

 

[Haggis]

My wife likes the look of a man (me ) in uniform.....

... and mine likes the look of a man (me) out of uniform  ;D.....

 

[geo]

Doh!

 

[punkgirl]

Well i guess i would fall under the "rare" category... Even though a military life is a very hard one to live, when you love someone as much as i love my boyfriend you put up with anything just so you can love them. Out of the last year he has been gone a total of 10 months, all his time away was military related.... now it is the start of a new year and he starts off by being gone on the tour to Afghanistan..... another 6 months gone. But even though he is gone for the time being i know that when he comes back we are both going to get and receive some of the best hugs and kisses ever.

 

[762gunner]

    Rare?  I'll say!  I know a few of us will be thinking of cold showers after that.  LUCKY guy!  I'm sure that things will slow down workwise once he gets back, and of course there's all that MOOLA he's going to make that you're not supposed to know about  .

    If only there were a few thousand more women like that, I know a few thousand guys that would work hard at making them very happy. 

    Or even one...

   

 

[camochick]

I'm an army brat, and I think that helps me be a bit more understanding of my husbands job. I dont have to like it but I have to live with it.  >

 

[MCpl Burtoo]

I would fall under.....  1.    Another military member;

Both my wife and I are in the military and I believe it has helped our marriage. We got married and then I joined. She joined the Reserves and then transferred to the Reg Force. With her being in the military, we defiantly have something to talk about at the dinner table at night! She all so likes to take all my sniffle kit to the field.....but that is another story! It can be hard with both in the military as one is in the field and one is at home or sometimes both away and that is where one needs a support network of family or friends if you have kids. On one of my tours I come home and she left 3 days later for 3 mos. We have 2 children that have grown up with mommy and daddy wearing cbt boots and I believe that they are no different then any other kids. They just tell there friends mummy and daddy are in the field... ;D  I believe it is the quality and not quantity of time that is spent with each other or your kids. My wife is overseas now in Afghanistan and I am Mr. Mum for the next 9 mos! Tit for Tat has she has spent  her time at home while I did 3 tours.
Just my 2 cents worth............

 

[Roy Harding]

Well i guess i would fall under the "rare" category... Even though a military life is a very hard one to live, when you love someone as much as i love my boyfriend you put up with anything just so you can love them. Out of the last year he has been gone a total of 10 months, all his time away was military related.... now it is the start of a new year and he starts off by being gone on the tour to Afghanistan..... another 6 months gone. But even though he is gone for the time being i know that when he comes back we are both going to get and receive some of the best hugs and kisses ever.

Just remember that when you have two toddlers running around, a babe in diapers, the furnace is on the fritz again, the car has a funny noise happenning, the washing machine won't drain, you've got to shovel the sidewalk yet again, and you finally get a letter in the mail from him -  a cheerful postcard from his seemingly exotic R&R location.

Military marriages are either VERY strong, or quickly over - I hope yours is the former.

Good Luck to you.

 

[punkgirl]

Well i know that the journey will be a difficult one.... but i think it will still be better than my first marriage.....

 

[Sh0rtbUs]

Well i guess i would fall under the "rare" category... Even though a military life is a very hard one to live, when you love someone as much as i love my boyfriend you put up with anything just so you can love them. Out of the last year he has been gone a total of 10 months, all his time away was military related.... now it is the start of a new year and he starts off by being gone on the tour to Afghanistan..... another 6 months gone. But even though he is gone for the time being i know that when he comes back we are both going to get and receive some of the best hugs and kisses ever.

Got any friends? 

 

[Sig_Des]

Got any friends? 

Yes please, any friends in Toronto for Shortbus, and If you have any in the Ottawa Region, that'd be great.

We could start an Army.ca dating service!!

"Hi, my name's ShOrtbUs, and even I seem tough on the outside, I'm really just a sensitive guy who likes to watch touching movies....I like long walks on the beach, and puppies..." >

 

[punkgirl]

The only friend i have in Ottawa is a guy..... so i don't think it would do you much good  ;D ;D ;D

 

[Sh0rtbUs]

The only friend i have in Ottawa is a guy..... so i don't think it would do you much good  ;D ;D ;D

Sig, thats right up your ally!  ;D

And how did you know about my deep rooted passion for Movies anyways!? You know i cried watching Simon Burch.. 

 

[Good2Golf]

My wife falls under category 3, but I'm not sure if non-mil/non-dependant is any harder living with the military than if your spouse is a military member or had parent(s) in the military.  There is no doubt that military life has put strains on our marriage, but then again, life in general puts strains on a marriage.

Never underestimate the value of asking yourself and your spouse "where you see yourselves in 1, 5, 10+ years?"  Sometimes you have to suck up something in the short term to support something you both want or be somewhere you both want to be in the long-term. Having a clear understanding of where things can be in the short, mid and long-term can help you focus on making things work in the "now" to make sure the future is where you want to be.

I wise CO of mine once told me to remember "God, Family, Country, Corps"...."make sure that you have someone warm to roll over up against in the middle of the night!"  Although I wasn't always mentally there in the past (especially living on a pager on 2hrs NTM and literally disappearing for many weeks at a time...worst being the day before our 5th anniversary...), now having over a fifth of a century of service to my country, I would do whatever it took to look after my family, even if that meant leaving the service to do something else that gave my family the best balance of quality of life.  I'm probably nowhere close to being in the minority, i.e. folks who came pretty close to the precipice of going different ways from their spouse for any number of reasons, but pulled up before smoking into the relationship obliteration (air-ground) interface.  Things change...from where you wanted to stay in forever, doing what you love to do in the CF gradually becomes more of a balance of all the things and people in your life.  Having to make a decision about the best way to move ahead certainly would  not be an easy thing to do -- chatting with my buds who have made that choice, they note that there was a point one passes where the balance between racing along with your hair on fire and spending quality time with those you love would change if put to the challenge.  I haven't got there yet, far from it...but I am mentally prepared to make the decision if required, because my relationship with my wife and my family is the most important thing for me.  It's what has supported me in my career so far, and what will serve me when I'm wearing diapers and dentures.  Not sure if that's right or wrong...it is what it is.  I suppose I'll know when it's time to pass on the torch to the young chargers and settle down with my life partner in a more relaxing setting...and then lament about "the good old days" sitting on the porch!  ;D

Cheers,
Duey

 

[Sig_Des]

Sig, thats right up your ally!  ;D

And how did you know about my deep rooted passion for Movies anyways!? You know i cried watching Simon Burch..   

Hell, ShOrtbUs, you know us Jimmies, we're almost as bad as troopers, we'll take what we can get when we can get it  ;D

as far as your love of movies, well, you just exude sentimentality :-*

The only friend i have in Ottawa is a guy..... so i don't think it would do you much good  ;D ;D ;D

Well, thanks for the thought, punkgirl. I guess I'll have to go to the old-fashioned way...getting someone drunk enough that I'm attractive 

 

[Sh0rtbUs]

Sig, are you sure you've got enough money to cover the bar tab? 

Duey, thanks for those words. Its an interesting insight on where Military life stands, in the grand scheme of a family, and i cant say i disagree with you.

 

[Sig_Des]

Sig, are you sure you've got enough money to cover the bar tab? 

Well, I'll get a trooper to pay for her drinks all night, then convince her what heathens you are, and sway her away with my gentle charm  8)

As far as Duey's comments, I think that applies to the same situation in life...Relationships are about compromise...The question is, is the compromising only going to be done on the part of one half of the relationship?

Growing up on bases all across Canada, it was painful to see how many relationships ended up in a crash and burn, especially when there were kids involved. Long-term deployments, taskings, training. Frequent moves. And then adding the stress that your spouse may not come back from overseas, or that you may not have a spouse when you get home from overseas.

There are guys who came back from tour and told there spouse that they found someone else. There are guys who came back, to find their PMQ empty; wives, kids and pets gone.

So in a world where seeing a 20 year anniversary is a rarity, you have to respect a long-lasting relationship, especially with the stress that's added with being a member of the CF.

 

[CdnArtyWife]

I am category #3...

Though we were already married when hubby joined. We have celebrated only two anniversaries together...but married 5+ years, together for 7+...

My hubby was on course during the birth of both of our children...the first of which he met when our son was 4 weeks old after he finished basic. Right after our daughter was born, dh was given opportunity to take parental leave, but I told him to do the next course (three weeks later) instead...better to get the training done and overwith...I could cope by myself...

We've had our ups, we've had our downs... but we are tight and I attribute that to the fact that I invite him to unload when he has had a stressful day/week/month etc. There was a time just before Christmas that was particularly stressfull in hubby's work...I told him one day at lunch to "feel free to talk it out when needed..." it makes him a better husband/father if he can get it off his chest and bounce ideas off me at the end of the work day, than to hold it all in and be snappy at me and the kids. He told me that just knowing he could talk it out later made him feel that much better.

I talk shop with him and his buddies...I am the only wife I know, besides the service couples, that can identify an M777 and state the range when asked. I choose not to be a wife who only knows her hubby wears green...though I fully understand that what works for some, does not work for others...some people feel ignorance is bliss. I am not one of those. When hubby goes overseas, I expect a full briefing on all the possible pros and cons, including a realistic view of the dangers of him being there...but that way I can look at it knowing how well he is trained, how much he knows his job and I can be at home taking care of business here, sufficiently worrying about him (who wouldn't) but not going out of my mind in fear.

Our marriage is cooperative...he expects me to talk out my stressfull days just as much as he knows he can offload with me. I don't carry his stress with me...but just to get things off your chest helps...

All that, and a phenomenal sex life, makes for a strong marriage in the military world. Well, that...and making fudge or other baked goods for him to bring to work occaisionally...(I have to do my fair share to help motivate the guys to get out for PT  )

Cheers...

Kara

 

[Good2Golf]

Kara, good on you...and the M777 is pretty new kit too! 

Years ago, my wife helped me study when I was going through basic helo school...I dare say she knows as much of the technical info on the Bell Jet Ranger as a lot of pilots do.  Funny story, she used to do modelling and was at a clients, waiting for a shoot to start...there were some engineers from Detroit-Diesel Allison in the waiting room getting print work set up at the agency.  My wife looked at one of the fellow's briefcases and pointed to the DD-Allison sticker and said, "Oh that's my name!"  The fellow looked at her with a sort-of "yes, yes, that's nice, missy" look and said, "Ah yes, we make engines...it's pretty technical stuff."  Allison replied, "Oh, you mean like the 'Allison' T-63-750B turboshaft engine, that makes 217 shaft-horsepower at 6,700 rpm on the power turbine?" and blinked innocently...   The guy just replied, "uh, yeah...something like that..." 

Sig-Des, no worries with me that any decision we made would be one half driving the other to do something else...my wife was in the middle of a Masters Degree in geo info systems and wasn't able to complete it due to moving around, that and trying to re-establish a career everywhere we were posted.  Any decision in the future would be a "joint operation"

Cheers,
Duey